Elly Rarg

We went to see Kai’s glade earlier this week. Tonight my toddler asked again why Kai had to die. Just, how. How are we here, without him?

Those weeks leading up the end rotate in my thoughts, constantly. What else should we have done? Did we make good choices? Should we have made different ones? How. How how how how how are we HERE (I’m sobbing, my heart my heart my heart).

It doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t feel right. My insides are decimated, and yet, I still have to do all the things (showering and feeding the babes and laundry and riding the bus just… how is the world still going on?) Adjusting to this “new normal” is all kinds of horrific.

Anyway. I meant to say thank you to everyone who has signed up on the 10km walk (I don’t even know if I can walk that far, but I don’t think it matters. My hearts already broken and if my body is broken by a walk, well then). If you want to join me, please come. Come walk in honour of my boy with me, so I don’t need to walk by myself. You need to sign up by next Thursday (the 6th of Oct).

https://ift.tt/WgHi1kh

Honestly, I’m so broken. I’m absolutely broken without my boy. I’ve never hated NKH more than I do right now. 💔🐝 from Instagram: https://instagr.am/p/DAWpb_moYK5/

Yesterday I got a remembrance bee in honour of my boy. I miss him, I miss him in a way that makes it hard to breathe, a hook under my chest that’s linked to him that makes THIS, this time and space without him unbearable, unmanageable, un-everything. Learning how to exist in this new normal without him is agony and I hate it (I always thought that I’d grieve differently, that I’d dance through life for him, in his honour, but honestly, there is no dancing. This is barely existing. This anguish is excruciating and I MISS HIM).

I feel better, having this bee. This way he’s with me (he’s always with me) and I’m grateful. For this outside always connection to him, something I can touch and carry with me. And for @whatjosiesaw, who got one too, and sorted all the details and lifted all of the load, making it so very easy (I appreciate you so much 💛 I also appreciate that time you gave Kaikai a temporary tattoo, making sure he was included and involved 💛). And I’m grateful to @nataliafineline, for inking the most delicate and perfect of bees.

Oh KaiKai. In your honour, my beautiful beautiful boy. Moe mai rā x from Instagram: https://instagr.am/p/DASp5RCoJId/

I cried on my knees, behind the closed door, after they took his chairs and slings and bath supports away. Two chubby young men, just doing their job. “So sorry for your loss” they said to my face. “So sad” they said when they thought I couldn’t hear. “Just a kid. She was really sad.”

I AM sad. I miss him, like a large swath of my core has been clawed out and is gone. It doesn’t seem real, how is this real, how is he not here (and I know how. I know how. But I can’t make my emotional self accept the unacceptable and so… I’m just a decimated piece of myself.

It’s been over a month. This is not easier 💔

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We’re doing a London walk. In October. If you can be in London on the 26 October, please come. Come walk with me. from Instagram: https://instagr.am/p/C_8bURXoOdB/

TLDR: I’m having a hard time, and so signed up for a potentially inappropriate fundraising Halloween walk to celebrate Kai’s birthday next month. Join me? I could use some friends.

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It’s Mikaere’s birthday in October. This was us at his last birthday. I am broken without him, so wildly, messily broken. I miss him, and I don’t think there are words to really explain what this feels like. It’s like there is a hook beneath your ribcage and it’s pulling you forward when every atom of your being wants to go BACK, back to when he was here, when we could touch him and love him and be with him, cuddle and care for him, and him smile or sleep or frown and instead the world keeps moving forward and it is AGONY.

It’s agony living when he does not.

It’s his birthday next month. I don’t know how to navigate daily life yet, so the idea of celebrating feels beyond my capabilities. And yet, the idea of NOT celebrating feels horrific and WORSE. So we celebrate. Doing a fundraising walk felt doable, I feel like I can do that. The only walk I know in October is a Halloween one. So I’m doing that. It might be inappropriate, looking back, but I’m already signed up now.

The reason I’m sharing is to ask if you will join me. I’m not sure I can do this, not really. I could really use some friends, to walk with me. Through the walk but also through this time, because it’s so hard. It’s so so hard to keep moving forwards. I miss him so very very much, to the detriment of everything else.

10km, on the 26th of October, 3pm in London (starts in Kennington).

Walk with me? from Instagram: https://instagr.am/p/C_0RVDCInJY/

Wonderful friends wrote our boys name in the sand, in Cornwall. I cried when I saw it, that they’d thought of him enough to remember him that way. I cried when I understood, for the first time, that *this* is what my many friends who have children who have died feel. This despair. This pain, where everything else feels impossible and pointless (because it does feel like that, in this world where we’re I’m just meant to continue on without my boy).

I cried when I realised that other people will miss him too, and his world was so much bigger than just me. I’m crying in mud kitchens and in Nando’s and in corners behind doors. This time is just… what even is time right now? Despair and decimation with the mundane of having to just *continue on*

Oh KaiKai, my beautiful beautiful boy. We miss you so much 💔 from Instagram: https://instagr.am/p/C_iw39gIl7e/

Heartbroken doesn’t seem like a strong enough term for what this feels like.

Thank you to everyone who came to send off our sweet boy, especially for those that flew in to be with us. We appreciate you and love you so much.

Thank you to everyone who joined the stream, the many hundreds of you. I’m sorry if I didn’t get to your message/email in time – I should have delegated that job, and I’m so sorry if you wanted to participate/pay your respects and weren’t able to.

Thank you to everyone who sent messages and kind words (if you didn’t get a response, please bear with us, we were inundated with so many messages and emails, it’s been overwhelming to go through all of them).

Thank you to everyone who has donated. What started as a “please don’t send flowers” turned into something much bigger. We’re overwhelmed and in awe of how much everyone has donated. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.

We miss our boy, so very much. Moe mai rā, KaiKai. We love you. from Instagram: https://instagr.am/p/C_DCJHZonPS/

Today is the day we commit our beautiful boy to the ground. There aren’t words, really. This is a whole magnitude of difference between anticipated grief and living through it. The earth hasn’t stopped spinning, the sun is still rising and people are still doing what they do. We’ve been dealing with funeral organising, and thrown the mundane of logistics up against the grief that spills out… how are we here?

This feels impossible. Absurd. Unreal. Our boy has died. He DIED. And since then his body has slowly, gently been doing what dead bodies do. (This is absurd. How is he dead how is he dead how is he dead).

I’m meant to be sharing about Kai’s funeral, which is today. If you don’t have the streaming link, please send me a text via WhatsApp (+44 7770389467) and I’ll send it to you. It starts at 12:30pm, BST.

If you’d like to donate in Kai’s honour, you can donate here if you feel moved to:
https://ift.tt/9jmCqka

Thank to you to everyone who has donated – we appreciate you so much <3 The funeral starts around 12:30pm BST. You can work out the time conversion, here: https://savvytime.com/converter/bst/aug-21-2024/12-30pm (Moe mai rā our sweet boy, moe mai rā. We love you x) from Instagram: https://instagr.am/p/C-7OM_uow4o/

Kai’s funeral will be at 12:30pm on Wednesday the 21st of August at the St Albans Woodland Burial Grounds in Keysoe, in Bedfordshire (MK44 2JP).

There will be a funeral reception afterwards at the Fox and Hounds, 54 High St, Riseley (MK44 1DT), which is a ten minute drive from the burial ground.

Everyone welcome (including kids), but please let us know if you’re coming, so we can organise numbers/food for the F&H.

Dress code is smart, and dark if you like; but also Elly is wearing a dress with aeroplanes, so you do you.

We’re hoping to stream for those who can’t make it. If you’d like the link, please email Elly: elly.hulance@gmail.com

Again, please no flowers, instead if you could donate in his honour if you feel moved to: https://ift.tt/EClc0KV

Please come ready to share with Elly and Sam a moment of joy you remember with Kai. We’re holding our memories tight and would love to hear yours.

Oh KaiKai, we love you so much.

Kā whati rā ia tāku māhuri tōtara

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It’s been a few days and this doesn’t feel real – my entire body viscerally rejects this devastating experience, this truth that hurts, that carves out my core and withers all that I am? I can’t breathe I can’t breathe I can’t breathe (I miss you I miss you I miss you). How do I stop crying? How am I picking out caskets and signing your death certificate and organising your funeral? Worse, how are people planning for after? (As far as I’m concerned, we bury you and then the earth will swallow us all whole, and that’s done. No more after).

Oh my beautiful beautiful boy. How do we honour you? How do we hold this pain (so much pain, so much pain) so you can be free? from Instagram: https://instagr.am/p/C-xsxTAo2xF/

It’s with the heaviest of hearts that Sam and Elly share that our beautiful darling boy, Mikaere Grant Hulance (Kai to all who knew him) has died. We are heartbroken, and we will always love him, and it’s in how we live moving forward that we honour him.

Funeral arrangements to come. Please, no flowers. Instead, please donate in his honour if you feel moved to: https://ift.tt/U9gnBYc

Kua hinga te tōtara i Te Waonuia-a-Tāne.

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How is it the earth still turns? That the sun rises and sets and everything else is still moving forward when our beautiful beautiful boy has devastated our hearts with his death? How can others still laugh, and play and work and move, how has the earth not just swallowed us all whole? How is the wind still blowing and the clocks still ticking forward? (How is my heart still beating?)

This devastation I feel has hollowed me. I feel less, I feel like the world is less. How do we go on? I know the answer is in his honour, but I don’t know how to do that right now. I know that we carry this pain so he doesn’t have to, but my HEART.

Fly high my beautiful, beautiful darling boy. We love you so much, and we miss you already. We will always love you – our world is less bright without you. 


For everything we do, to Mikaere, in his honour x from Instagram: https://instagr.am/p/C-tQ0uCofDK/

Our boy is in intensive care. If you have ever considered donating to NKH Research, if you ever needed a reason, here. This is why NKH is so awful. Our kids don’t deserve this, they don’t deserve this pain.

If you’ve ever considered donating, please donate now.
mikaerefoundation.org/donate #linkinBio

#nonketotichyperglycinemia #nkh #nkhawareness #ifhnkh #metabolicdisorder #glycineencephalopathy #teamMikaere #theMikaereFoundation #nkhcansuckit #cure4nkh #nkhResearch #fundraising from Instagram: https://instagr.am/p/C-iQN_dIFco/