What we’re up to… November 15, 2024 at 10:00AM

On this day 15 Nov 2016. This day is fuzzy, in my mind. I remember being overwhelmed with how to manage the entire day by myself (as Sam was back at work). Grateful that we were at home, grateful that we could use all the kit we had for him (he was literally in everything – the pram, even though we didn’t go anywhere. The carrier, the cot, the fancy magic swinging baby chair… He was wriggly – and I remember him seeking me out, turning his gaze to follow me (something we were told he wouldn’t be able to do… fuelling my delusion that the doctors were wrong and the first month was just something else and actually my baby was fine now). One of my good friends came to visit and so I imagine there was a dinner and lots of chat.

In all the photos I’m in comfy clothes, hoodies and pj trousers, rather than ‘take me seriously’ hospital clothes.

Today I know that I could wear a hoodie and pjs and still go head to head with the lead consultant on the unit, if I had to. I know that a day at home is better than a day in hospital, and nothing to be taken for granted. I know that if I could do that day again as me today, it would be a doddle. And I wish I could. I wish I could just step into that photo and be there with my boy. But I can’t, because he DIED.

Today there was lady whose kid whacked mine the face with a bit of plant. Mine burst into tears (it was the last frustration in a long line of frustrations, rather than the delicate brush of leaf to the face) and she felt the need to manage hers. Halfway through she got overwhelmed and burst into tears. She had to leave and said that she had ‘a lot going on’. A difficult day, for her, for sure. It felt odd to be the composed one. To also not be crying all over the place, to be kind and not just… flipping between raging at the world and genuinely so distraught. Because I am, still. I think I always will be. from Instagram: https://instagr.am/p/DCY0yBDNZ7Z/