Just… moments upon moments that made up the day. This sweet boy. This was the absolute best time in his life. The time with the least pain, when his body worked the best. These days, hey?
Today… today I’m reliving his death over and over again. Struggling with the decisions we made. We tried so hard to do what we thought was best for him, but honestly, I spent hours every day second guessing myself, wondering if I should have done something else, something different, advocated for more extreme measures, advocated or for less or for… I don’t know. A different outcome.
But then, I’m also grappling with the idea that had he lived, it would have been in pain. It’s definitely better that he lived, rather than didn’t (look at his beautiful, wonderful face) but is pain free in death better than pain in life? Does the balance of joy and pain even out? Would there have been more joy? Or would it have been more pain?
My brain goes around and around and around, and I know it will, forever, because at the heart of it – I can’t be okay that my baby has died. It might have been what was best for him, but for my heart? I will carry this every single day. Every single minute. My boy is in every moment. I live in this moment, and every moment moving forward in his absence, and god I feel it. The space. The loss.
Onwards has never felt like such torment before.
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