Over the summer my world got bigger, just for a moment. Sam had some time off, which meant that we could split caring for Kai. It meant some time for me. I worked, for a bit. Travelled some. Essentially I stepped away from the special needs life into what felt like taking back a bit of my life.
And I’m struggling to step back into the special needs world. Don’t get me wrong, I love Mikaere, with every fibre of my being and he delights me like no other. I love being his Mum.
But in the special needs life, I’m not just his Mum. I’m his nurse, and his chef and personal assistant and therapist and every moment is about monitoring and repositioning and anticipating his medical needs moment to moment. Watching the time for his meds, blends, flushes and sterilising. Repositioning him upright so he can cough, watching for those tiny moments where I can interject baby led physio, and a lot of the time not baby led Physio or OT or laser therapy. Keeping him entertained, or settling him to sleep.
It’s making myself smaller to fit into the very intense schedule of his day, managing the nurses and therapists and remembering appointments and chasing the thirty or so different things we’re currently juggling.
It was hard to leave Mikaere with Sam so I could have some time. It felt selfish. At the same time, it felt like falling into an oasis after walking months in the dessert. I got to speak to people outside of our nurses. I danced through some side hustles. People talked to me as if I was a competent adult. I didn’t have to fight anyone. I found some independence for me.
And now, making myself smaller, putting aside myself for the same same mundane, for the small moments, for the intensity of Mikaere’s day to day. I’m having a hard time with that. I find it hard to get moving, I’m leaning heavy on Sam and I’m spending too much time in the ‘what if’ daydream.
Most neurotypical Mums, they get to go work (or not, if they don’t want to). They can leave their kids with babysitters and have nights out with their partners. They can travel with their family. They can take public transport and take their kids where the crowds go. Their kids, eventually, grow to be somewhat independent. Where they can play without you sitting right there to make sure they don’t have seizures or aspirate or vomit or whatever else might go wrong.
I’m whinging, I know. The special needs life sucks so hard for everyone.
I read a book once, a fiction something a rather, where they played the champagne game. They’d open a bottle of champagne and bitch, for a moment. And then say something they were grateful for.
I’m gutted that I can’t go back to work full time, but I’m grateful we have the means so I don’t have.
I’m beyond gutted Mikaere lives a life less than the neurotypical life, but he’s here and he’s happy and content and I love him.
I’m sad that when we travel, it will always be split – Sam, Mikaere and I are unlikely to travel together internationally (boo immune vulnerabilities and planes), but I’m grateful that this summer I’ve had the chance to visit some phenomenal places, bucket list destinations.
I’m sad that our family doesn’t get to walk the neurotypical path, but I’m grateful I have a family, and we’re all well loved.
I’m sad I’m going back to my day to day with a heavy heart, but I’m grateful my day to day is still there to go back to.
Hey ho. Onwards we go.
