I’m exhausted. I’ve been up since 5am when I did the morning feed, and despite it going on 1am now, I’m finding it difficult to go to bed.
We have a night nurse. And she is lovely. A well experienced lady who sings wheels on the bus out of tune, and strokes Kai’s forehead and fusses over his blankets, making sure he is comfortable and settled. She is lovely, and completely competent. Over qualified, even. With the credentials at this hospital, in that intensive care, part of this other specialist community team. An a mum. She’s over over qualified.
And yet, I can’t help but hover, finding another job or something a rather to keep me in the same room with them. This is meant to be our down time – time for me and Sam to do things like shower and sleep and hang out – and I have no idea what it is that has my heart all in my throat at the thought of leaving Kai with his nurse. Trusting him with someone who is not Sam or me.
It’s tough. I both want the space (and the sleep!) and I want to be there with Kai. I essentially want my cake and I want to eat it too.
It’s hard, trusting Kai to other people. I know that I know Kai best. Because of that, his care is best when he’s with me. Trusting Kai to someone not Sam or I feels like leaving Kai to second best.
I’m trying to trust that second best is still very very good. That second best will allow me some down time to be rested, to be better for Kai tomorrow. But I feel the all the guilt. This is only our second night with her, Kai doesn’t know her yet. And other Mums don’t get night nurses. Neuro typical babies don’t need night nurses.
I remind myself that Kai is not neuro typical and other mums don’t have to do half the things I do with the meds and tubes and the seizures. But still, guilt. Eventually exhaustion wins out and I drag myself off to bed, and I’m all sad and sorry for myself. Accepting that I can’t do everything all the time is hard. Accepting help is hard.
Conveniently I’m also exhausted, so sleeping is not an issue and despite my brain running a million times an hour with all the sad and the guilt and missing Kai despite him being in the next room… I sleep. Exhaustion – that’s exactly why we have a night nurse.
I’m sure it’ll get easier…. right? Our night nurse is back next week. I’ll try to be in bed a bit earlier than 1am. Baby steps.